Top photo by Chris Guy, via. He's talking to Val, who's in her sixties. She's wearing a pair of bunny ears and is naked beneath her towel. Val's mate Pam — also in her sixties and dressed in a negligee with a severe Harriet Harman bowl haircut — watches the onscreen action with interest as three enthusiastic young women take it in turns Adult toy stores in Rugby fellate a man with a limp dick and the lifeless eyes of someone who really shouldn't have taken a bunch of coke before turning up to a porn shoot.
Trying to get my bearings Sexiesh wander out into the bar fully dressed. George looks me up and down and shakes his head. A quick change later, and Big George shows me round.
There is a sauna, steam room and two jacuzzis, along with a number of themed "couples rooms" — private spaces with red female silhouettes painted on the doors, containing double beds with thin plastic mattresses.
The place is filling up now, the crowd predominantly composed of middle-aged geezers and their wives, with a few younger swingers in their twenties rounding everything. One guy, a cabbie from Romford with a Comic Book Guy ponytail, marshals his wife, a Swindon of Swindon sluts, emaciated-looking woman in black lingerie beneath a long shocking-pink string vest, towards one of the bedrooms.
He shrugs. You've just got to talk to them Sexiest women of Becontree bit. Get 'em frisky, like. Big George continues the tour, leading me through the bar, where colourful vodka jellies are lined up, to a tiny dance floor. Here, two large girls in bunny ears and see-through Ann Summers nighties spin round stripper poles.
Pitbull bellows through Kesha's "Timber", played off a laptop by the DJ, a guy in his sixties who looks as though he'd be more comfortable spinning Val Doonican Barking seaxy girl the local dominoes club.
With glittery tassels hanging on the walls, fake plastic flowers, fairy lights and complimentary peanuts, crisps and Flumps on offer at the bar — plus Sexiest women of Becontree sense that many of the people here are regulars — the atmosphere is more akin to an Essex knees-up than an orgy.
This impression is reinforced when the DJ drops Chas n' Dave's "Rabbit" to the obvious delight of everyone. My tour complete, Big George shakes my hand and wishes me luck. I head to the sauna, where I find Val and Pam. It's me escape. It's only five minutes from me 'ouse in the car. She's got a list going behind the bar. Through the glass, we are treated to the view of a bald man getting a blowjob from a blonde companion in the jacuzzi, his head thrown back in exaggerated, Brazzers-style ecstasy.
There are cheers from the second pool. A few minutes later Georgia and Tom walk into the sauna and everyone has to budge up.
Val accidentally brushes against my leg. From tothe poll was instead voted for by the general public, with, at its height, several million votes being cast each year.
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